With or Without You
by UmbralTiger
Summary: Not every story has a happy ending. But that comes with the job of Savior of the Galaxy.


The red, empty space of the main battery. The orange glow of the console bright on her face. She ran a hand along the cold steel table his hands had been touching not long ago. He'd always kept so busy back here. She'd almost had to beat him over the head with it to get him to stop working and hear what she had to say.

"_Shepard. Need me for something?"_

She stood there as long as she could, trying to absorb what was left of his essence from the air. As soon as she couldn't take anymore she escaped the vacant space, locking the door behind her. Shepard was on a first name basis with pain. With the suffering that ran so deep you'd felt like you'd split in half. But nothing had ever hit her quite so personally, so exquisitely as this. She could feel the singularity growing inside her chest. Her soul was collapsing in on itself and she couldn't stop it.

"_I want something to go right. Just once. Just…"_

_Her hand caressing his face. She smiled at him, the way she didn't smile at other people. Their foreheads connected, his hand stroked her arm. She leaned into him, enjoying his warmth and whatever that musky scent that was he'd decided to wear. Her closeness seemed to give him the gumption to push away his hesitance._

"_I missed you, Shepard. For a while I wasn't sure how I was going to carry on without you in the universe. You…changed my perspective, challenged everything I thought I knew. And then you were gone."_

_Her fingertips along his neck, his fringe. Exploring each fascinating turian feature as he fumbled so endearingly for words. "You figured it out, Garrus. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for." _

_He was pulling her close, like a security object. "I'm not." He was looking into her eyes, speaking slowly and with profound resolution. "I proved on Omega I'm not half the man without you that I am with you. Shepard, I…I think I lo-"_

_Shepard pressed her fingers suddenly to his mouth. She cared for him, but there were words she wasn't quite sure she was ready to see crystallize into being. A certain admission whose time wasn't now, when it could be written off as desperation. At once he retreated again, maybe misinterpreting her gesture, maybe fearing he'd overstepped. He started to pull back. She took his face in her hands._

"_Garrus. There's no one else I'd rather have by my side but you. Right now, or in that base, or ever again."_

_He gave a slow nod, and slowly they moved together-_

She sank to the couch and stared across the observation deck. The alcohol was calling to her like an old forgotten friend, but she'd learned after Akuze that you could only stave off the horror with semi-consciousness for so long. She tried staring at the paintings and trinkets, until her eyes fell on a half-fried object stowed just under the adjacent table.

She suddenly remembered how she insisted that the graybox be destroyed. How she'd stripped the last remnants of a loved one from a friend. It didn't mean anything now, but still she found herself speaking to the thief that wasn't there, saying that she would have made a different decision now. Now she understood.

She wandered out towards the elevator. Her rational thoughts weren't going to hold up much longer to the allure of floating away into a drunken haze.

_Shepard grabbed her comrade's arm. Damn Miranda for thinking she could manage this. Damn herself for listening. She'd lost enough of her team already, she wasn't about to-_

Wait_. She froze. She turned. Garrus was firing wildly into the encroaching cloud, covering the others' exit. He was too far out from the door._

"_No! Fall back!"_

_Miranda collapsed and her barrier followed. The swarms closed in. Shepard's heart stopped. For a moment her instincts shrieked at her to forget the others. Save Garrus-_

_No. She couldn't. Pushing Tali through the door, yanking Miranda to her feet, her guts clenched. Watching helplessly as the black cloud descended, the insects adhering feverishly to him even as he frantically pulled them off. Too many, too fast. They lifted him into the air._

"_Garrus!"_

_Her auxiliary military instincts kicked in even as the rest of her shut down. She hauled Miranda through the door after Tali, unable to shut out Garrus' panicked screams over her com. The door closed behind them. Garrus' desperate cries swelled unbearably; the moment they stopped was even worse. She staggered, her hands unable to reach her eyes through her helmet._

"_Come on, Shepard, the strike team is pinned down!" Miranda's voice was strained. "We have to keep moving, no matter who we've lost."_

_Damn you. _DAMN_ you._

Life Support. The armory. The tech lab. All as empty and devoid as the symbolic caskets in the cargo bay. She'd touched a hand to the one that bore Garrus' name and drew a long breath. The Illusive Man had been furious that she'd nuked the base. Maybe she'd have done otherwise if she'd been able to push her grief aside. How was she supposed to explain that she couldn't cope with the idea of Cerberus combing through the place, finding his body somewhere, forcing her to face the loss of him again? It wasn't her only reason, but it was the overriding one.

"Shepard. I'm so sorry." Miranda's voice echoed through the cargo bay. Shepard wanted to turn on her, to throw a fist, to take down the Cerberus agent she'd never trusted in the first place. Just when she had let her guard down, she'd come to regret it. Cerberus had made a habit of killing those people closest her.

"I know what he meant to you. If I hadn't been so blindly confident-"

"It wasn't your fault, Miranda," Shepard interrupted, turning to face the last person she wanted to see. It hurt her to say, but deep down, she knew it was right. "You made a suggestion. But I made the call."

"All the same, I had a part in it and I accept that. I just want you to know that I'm done with Cerberus. I'm going to stick with you until the Reaper threat is dealt with."

"You didn't think there was a possibility I'd tell you to go to Hell?"

"I know you want to, and I don't blame you. But you're Commander Shepard. You get things done no matter the cost. It's been higher lately than usual and you're not going to turn away help now."

So presumptuous. So infuriatingly nonchalant. It was maddening, but she was right. Stopping now would invalidate everything she'd fought for, everything and everyone she'd lost. Carrying on was the last thing she wanted to do, but she no longer had a choice.

On that note, the two of them parted ways. Shepard found her way to beneath-decks, to Jack's old haunt. She gathered up the scattered data pads, useless now to anyone, and slid them underneath the cot. She laid down slowly, folding her hands over her abdomen and closing her eyes.

_Darkness, warmth, and the feel of Garrus' rough plates on her face. His chest rising and falling, slowing as they relaxed. The beautiful stillness was soon broken by Garrus' voice._

"_I should have been there."_

"_Garrus…leave it alone." Shepard sighed, her brow furrowing a bit. "There was absolutely nothing you could have done. You would have been on an escape pod or you would have died with me, and I doubt Cerberus would have done for a turian what they did for me."_

"_I've realized that. I just…it was a mistake to have left in the first place."_

"_It can't be helped." She pressed against him more firmly. There was quiet again, a moment for her to savor not having to think. To soak in the sensation of Garrus' fingers lightly trailing along her forearm. To cement this experience into her mind as well as she could without a Drell's eidetic memory._

"_What were you thinking about, when it happened?"_

_She was confused for a moment, not sure why he would ask that and less so about how to answer. "It's a little fuzzy, I guess. Nothing more profound than, 'Oh god, I can't breathe, I'm going to die'. No real time to dwell on regrets or happy memories. Just a state of powerful denial and panic."_

"_Hmmm," Garrus rumbled in his chest. "On Omega, there when I thought I was at the end, I was thinking about you. About joining you in death if I couldn't in life. Others I'd known who'd died, too. But mostly you. That was when I first started to realize you were more than a commanding officer to me. I didn't know what else, yet, but it was a start."_

"_Were you hoping I'd had a similar revelation?"_

"_Curious, maybe. Death has a way of making a lot of things look petty and shallow. I think, mostly…I didn't want to have any regrets the next time I faced my own demise. It was a lot easier to acclimate to the idea of us being together after having once lost the option."_

_Shepard smiled a little despite herself. "Any other regrets you feel like airing while we have the chance?"_

_He nuzzled his face against her forehead. "None."_

She sat up when she heard footsteps. By the weight and rhythm, she knew it was Tali before she could even see the quarian's distinct silhouette. She was wringing her hands as she approached the commander. Shepard rose to her feet and stared at her, waiting.

"Shepard, I…I have an idea of what you're going through. If you ever want to talk about it, I want you to know I'm here."

"Tali, I'll tell you what I told Samara-"

In an abrupt and unavoidable movement, Tali was wrapping her arms around Shepard. She was conflicted. It was, or would have been, a touching gesture. If Shepard had been capable of feeling anything less than despondent.

_Nothing personal, Tali, _she was thinking, raising one arm to reciprocate noncommittally. _But I would have chosen him over you in a minute. I've learned about taking the more acceptable loss. Not just you. Any of them. It's Virmire all over again. Only worse._

"…I appreciate the thought, Tali. But I'm not much of a talker."

"I know that," Tali acceded as she pulled away. "I just….you've always been the one I can rely on for anything. It's only fair that I be there for you, too. I mean, I was there, I was saw Garrus get taken. I kept asking myself, 'What else could I have done?' until I about drove myself crazy. It must be even worse for you."

"We all did what we could. There's no use worrying about it now."

"We're worried about _you_. It's difficult to see you so broken, so changed after everything you've shrugged off before. We- I want to help."

"We lost five good people. One of them happened to be the one person who understood me better than anyone else in the galaxy ever has. All of them were lost because of decisions I alone bear responsibility for. And no matter what happens now, whether we defeat the Reapers or not, I can never take it back. How else do you expect I should feel about that?"

"I…" Tali's hand-wringing increased and she stared down at her shifting feet. "I don't know."

Shepard felt a modicum of remorse. She hadn't meant to take it out on Tali, who'd done nothing but follow loyally since they first traveled together. Still, she couldn't seem to say anything else, even as Tali turned and slowly made her way back up the stairs. After some time, Shepard came back to herself and decided to retreat to her quarters.

The bed had been made. The room cleaned. Nothing left of Garrus but a faint musky scent in the air. She sat quietly on the couch, staring up at the skylight. The Reapers would fall, would pay for their actions. Not for revenge. Revenge was pointless. It wouldn't bring Garrus back. She would save the galaxy because it had to be done. Because if anyone could find a way, it was her. Because now the Collectors had killed her twice, and she was still standing.

She was still Commander Shepard.


End file.
